Last night, after weeks of dying
I thought about really dying
And so I called code red.
This place of despair and dissolvent of anything light took me far back to the timeline of too many pills and notes left for my poor mother find. That teenager so lost, so absolutely lost and dying. What was I and what was the seed that caused such deep fury that burnt me from places inside I could not name.
I saw her, and felt her, and embodied her total abandonment of hope.
And so I called code red.
On my death quest I met also the little girl with golden curls playing in the sand on the mountain’s curves. I fetched her there, and picked her up. And when I held myself my heart broke and I brought her home with me. I realized she was still stuck in that place of silent, dismembering loneliness. She lost her daddy and she died inside, I died inside.
So I called code red.
I met also, for the first time truly, both the power and parasites within my body. Nights and days became an illusion, a fake timeline made by man that no longer applied to me. There was only now, minute after minute of holding on to anything and everything to help me birth my body. My mind caved in on itself and delirium became my reality, my inescapable timeline of constant, endless now.
I tried to call to call code red, but I didn’t know how.
When I lost the song of my ancestors I became isolation. Completely alone I fought and lost my life, my mind and being. I met here the woman that thought she was never good enough for one man’s love. Never able to be chosen despite giving up the goddess for man’s comfort. Reducing devi to dirt under the carpet. This woman who diminished her values and worth in desperate pursuit of receiving love from man who actually wanted to stay lost and leave, just like daddy. I met all these maidens and lovers and mothers. I realized they and me were dying.
So I called code red.
And when I did, finally, I called upon the sisterhood, deeply, for the first time in my life. I met myself as just a girl and realized I was not okay. Ancient wisdom waters descended at my door with screeching tires and bags of hope. My family. My heart broke. I was held and nourished and washed from death by the purest love I have melted into by this incarnation. Beside me slept my sister who has walked an entire lifetime with me — my angel. Carrying me on her back like she used to when I was small, my mother — my hero. Inside the realms where only my babba could help find me, she sang me back — my compass. And then, from inside my broken heart and peeling skin and deprived mind and exhaustion and contemplation of death, inside me stood up Morgan.
I call for rainbow codes.
Morgan is the bravest warrior, and if you’ve met her, you know this. She fights till death finds her and then challenges death herself to the death. Morgan is the most beautiful woman through her eyes, that all eyes have seen. She is bottomless compassion, care, ferocity, and grace. Morgan lives for Gaia and Her children and serves on her knees this existence. This woman is me, to met her now is hard because she is so tall.
But I am calling rainbow codes now.
And death, my friend, is about to get fucking psychedelic.
